Answer: [Since this person accused me
of heresy and asked the reason behind it and what bad things I do:]
This is something I wrote down last day in a document, so it perhaps
shows a bit where God is leading me right now or where I am trying to
go:
- Make frequents acts of love of God everyday
- Try to think of God before everything you do
- Try to refer everything you do to God
- Try to become more fervent and recollected in your prayer
- Try to make 2 mortifications in food and drink for the love of God each day (holy days excluded)
- Try to mortify your self-will for the love of God in at least 2 things everyday
- Mortify yourself in your recreation in order to gain peace and gain humility
“2 things everyday” is only because
I understand how weak and pathetic I am and perhaps do not dare to do
more right now.
Other than that, I think I do nothing
directly wrong, except eating a little more than I should some days
and making too few mortifications and sacrifices. I am also too
attached to winning in chess, and I am a bad looser – hence that I
wrote the above about mortifying my self in my recreation.
I may also be wasting time in recreation; I should spend more time
praying and loving God with desire instead. Yes I feel like a burning
desire in me that wants to love God with my whole heart, but
this desire is really weak; and I have always felt this since the
beginning of my conversion, except for long periods of times when I
am more lukewarm (which happens often with me). So because of this I
never let it grow and hence I never really loved God. Who knows,
perhaps "If you were as perfect as God wishes you to be,
He would be ready to bestow many graces upon you. God wants you to be
holier than many others." (A soul speaking from
Purgatory)
I am also horribly tormented by bad
thoughts; but such temptations are usually a good sign and not a bad
sign I have often read. Some of my thoughts are so abominable that I
am ashamed to even mention them (they happen quite often with me); and
I wonder if it is even possible to be saved being like me. All I can do
in these cases is to resist (however badly I do resist) and pray God to
save me and help me not to fall. I do believe I can fall – and that I
even will fall – into the worst crimes and sins if the Lord do not protect
me. When it comes to my self, I always do
think the worst and that the worst can or is true; and I even think I
am damned and that there is no hope for me – unless the good Lord
Jesus have mercy on me. Even if I am in mortal sin or even heresy,
I know God can and will lead me out of it – provided I
cooperate with Him. So I have no problem with Hope; that is the only
thing I feel certain about; I see rather my self only as the
problem because of my own uselessness.
I also gave up listening to music
(psychedelic, goa, ambient) some time ago and now listen to nothing
of such, except on my 3 hour recreation time, when I listen to
sermons, interviews, or other such secular or religious things.
I also did read comments on youtube and
yahoo news a little to often before, but stopped with this almost
completely recently.[1]
I believe God may call me to higher
perfection, and that He wants more of me and that I
should distract myself less. Hopefully, I will become better as
time goes on – if only I do not resist Him. Perhaps it is good for
me to be alone with God a little in my home; it makes me think more
of God and how I should please Him and come to know Him and love Him
better.[2]
'For your love, O
Lord, I will not see this,
NOTES
[1] I believe God wants me
to move away more and more from secular things and distractions, but
instead I indulged in it more recently! If God wants someone
completely for Himself, or if a person is an all or nothing person,
he may have to cut off all contrary things completely, since God
cannot and will not be served halfheartedly by some.
I recently gave up chess (or I try do
to it) since I can't play it; I am too much of a bad loser and I get
angry when loosing. It also distracted me a lot and I think about
good games, lost games, won games etc. That is what I mean with “an
all or nothing person.” Some people get really into the things they
do – and find a fondness and likeness for it that is hard for them
to break with – and hence they will get distracted a lot by it. I
am such a person. That is why such a person may have to break of all
distractions; if not, they may never advance towards perfection since
they will always be divided and never really come to know God. "If
you were as perfect as God wishes you to be, He would be ready to
bestow many graces upon you. God wants you to be holier than many
others." (A soul speaking from Purgatory) I think
it was Pope St. Gregory the Great that said something like: “Those
whom God wants to be saints and do not become saints, will not be
saved.”
Some things that helps against too much
idleness is to have a set amount of time that can be spent on
recreation (of which I view secular news as part of it). I have a max
amount of 3 hour recreation a day. I also have an amount of hours put
down for reading, and for prayer, that I do every day.
[2] Concerning loving God,
and the loving God point I made above, the following is something I
have said frequently also in my heart and meant it since it “feels”
like I do not mean it many times when I express loving words towards Him,
since I feel like a stone and a hypocrite: “I do not love you Lord,
please forgive me and help me to love you.” “I love you Lord, I
do not love you Lord. Please help me to love you!” “I am a
hypocrite, I do not love you, my Lord. Please help me to love you.”
“Even if I do not mean these words, my Lord (i.e., I love you, my
Lord), I ask you to change my heart so that I will mean it.”
I also fail in my points of: “Make
frequents acts of love of God everyday” and “Try to think of God
before everything you do” and “Try to refer everything you do to
God”. I really don't know how to think of God every time and before
every thing I do. But even if it's hard, I still try to do it and I
certainly think a lot more of God now than before I made these
resolutions.
This is also something helpful I found
recently: On rising, members of the family are “[1] first, to thank
God for having preserved their life during the night; [2] secondly,
to offer to God all the good actions which they will perform, and all
the pains which they shall suffer during the day; [3] thirdly, to
implore of Jesus Christ and the most holy Mary to preserve them from
all sin during the day.” (Liguori, “Sermon 36,” 274)
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