Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Q&A: It is always so that when a person falls into heresy, he is doing something bad. Everything bad you are doing, tell it to me. Let me hear.

Answer: [Since this person accused me of heresy and asked the reason behind it and what bad things I do:] This is something I wrote down last day in a document, so it perhaps shows a bit where God is leading me right now or where I am trying to go:

  • Make frequents acts of love of God everyday
  • Try to think of God before everything you do
  • Try to refer everything you do to God
  • Try to become more fervent and recollected in your prayer
  • Try to make 2 mortifications in food and drink for the love of God each day (holy days excluded)
  • Try to mortify your self-will for the love of God in at least 2 things everyday
  • Mortify yourself in your recreation in order to gain peace and gain humility

“2 things everyday” is only because I understand how weak and pathetic I am and perhaps do not dare to do more right now.

Other than that, I think I do nothing directly wrong, except eating a little more than I should some days and making too few mortifications and sacrifices. I am also too attached to winning in chess, and I am a bad looser – hence that I wrote the above about mortifying my self in my recreation.

I may also be wasting time in recreation; I should spend more time praying and loving God with desire instead. Yes I feel like a burning desire in me that wants to love God with my whole heart, but this desire is really weak; and I have always felt this since the beginning of my conversion, except for long periods of times when I am more lukewarm (which happens often with me). So because of this I never let it grow and hence I never really loved God. Who knows, perhaps "If you were as perfect as God wishes you to be, He would be ready to bestow many graces upon you. God wants you to be holier than many others." (A soul speaking from Purgatory)

I am also horribly tormented by bad thoughts; but such temptations are usually a good sign and not a bad sign I have often read. Some of my thoughts are so abominable that I am ashamed to even mention them (they happen quite often with me); and I wonder if it is even possible to be saved being like me. All I can do in these cases is to resist (however badly I do resist) and pray God to save me and help me not to fall. I do believe I can fall – and that I even will fall – into the worst crimes and sins if the Lord do not protect me. When it comes to my self, I always do think the worst and that the worst can or is true; and I even think I am damned and that there is no hope for me – unless the good Lord Jesus have mercy on me. Even if I am in mortal sin or even heresy, I know God can and will lead me out of it – provided I cooperate with Him. So I have no problem with Hope; that is the only thing I feel certain about; I see rather my self only as the problem because of my own uselessness.

I also gave up listening to music (psychedelic, goa, ambient) some time ago and now listen to nothing of such, except on my 3 hour recreation time, when I listen to sermons, interviews, or other such secular or religious things.

I also did read comments on youtube and yahoo news a little to often before, but stopped with this almost completely recently.[1]

I believe God may call me to higher perfection, and that He wants more of me and that I should distract myself less. Hopefully, I will become better as time goes on – if only I do not resist Him. Perhaps it is good for me to be alone with God a little in my home; it makes me think more of God and how I should please Him and come to know Him and love Him better.[2]

'For your love, O Lord, I will not see this,
nor hear that, nor taste that morsel,
nor take just now this sort of recreation.' (Source)


[1] I believe God wants me to move away more and more from secular things and distractions, but instead I indulged in it more recently! If God wants someone completely for Himself, or if a person is an all or nothing person, he may have to cut off all contrary things completely, since God cannot and will not be served halfheartedly by some.

I recently gave up chess (or I try do to it) since I can't play it; I am too much of a bad loser and I get angry when loosing. It also distracted me a lot and I think about good games, lost games, won games etc. That is what I mean with “an all or nothing person.” Some people get really into the things they do – and find a fondness and likeness for it that is hard for them to break with – and hence they will get distracted a lot by it. I am such a person. That is why such a person may have to break of all distractions; if not, they may never advance towards perfection since they will always be divided and never really come to know God. "If you were as perfect as God wishes you to be, He would be ready to bestow many graces upon you. God wants you to be holier than many others." (A soul speaking from Purgatory) I think it was Pope St. Gregory the Great that said something like: “Those whom God wants to be saints and do not become saints, will not be saved.”

Some things that helps against too much idleness is to have a set amount of time that can be spent on recreation (of which I view secular news as part of it). I have a max amount of 3 hour recreation a day. I also have an amount of hours put down for reading, and for prayer, that I do every day.

[2] Concerning loving God, and the loving God point I made above, the following is something I have said frequently also in my heart and meant it since it “feels” like I do not mean it many times when I express loving words towards Him, since I feel like a stone and a hypocrite: “I do not love you Lord, please forgive me and help me to love you.” “I love you Lord, I do not love you Lord. Please help me to love you!” “I am a hypocrite, I do not love you, my Lord. Please help me to love you.” “Even if I do not mean these words, my Lord (i.e., I love you, my Lord), I ask you to change my heart so that I will mean it.”

I also fail in my points of: “Make frequents acts of love of God everyday” and “Try to think of God before everything you do” and “Try to refer everything you do to God”. I really don't know how to think of God every time and before every thing I do. But even if it's hard, I still try to do it and I certainly think a lot more of God now than before I made these resolutions.

This is also something helpful I found recently: On rising, members of the family are “[1] first, to thank God for having preserved their life during the night; [2] secondly, to offer to God all the good actions which they will perform, and all the pains which they shall suffer during the day; [3] thirdly, to implore of Jesus Christ and the most holy Mary to preserve them from all sin during the day.” (Liguori, “Sermon 36,” 274)

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